The route to get here has taken me far and high but on reflection it always had a clear goal and direction: to head towards the mountains and always in the pursuit of adventure. I’m no Edmund Hillary or Kenton Cool but I do remember coming to Samoens in the early part of 2009 on a climbing course and leaving having acquired the knowledge of one fundamental fact right in the pit of my stomach – that I wanted more of this environment and how happy it made me feel. I had no idea of what shape this would take but was pretty sure that if I started with only this one goal in mind, that the rest of life would inevitably play out the way it was meant to. By combining fate and free will, I knew that I was simultaneously taking control of my own destiny and in so doing would be embarking upon a journey into the unknown: in itself the essence of true adventure.
So now I find myself living in an adventure playground surrounded by mountains, cliffs and crags all affording me the opportunity to ski, climb, trek, and play outside to my heart’s content. My bloke is made from similar stuff and we have been extremely fortunate to stumble upon the coolest little apartment from which to base our outdoor life together. You would think I’d be doing some pretty big self congratulatory thwacks on my own back right now. Job well done girl wouldn’t you say? Except I’m not. Far from it. My head should be full of fluffy powdery thoughts and my heart brimming with a sense of completeness. Instead it is rathermore occupied with the overwhelmingly negative internal dialogue of I’m not a good enough skier, I’ll never be a good climber, I don’t know anything about the mountains, and basically that I’m crap.
I should know better of course. Everything that I’ve learned over the past couple of years was founded on the basis of the importance of doing your own thing driven only by that what makes sense to you. For the past 18 months I have literally taken on the role of international ambassador for the ‘beat to the sound of your own drum and you will fulfill your own purpose on this planet’ campaign and so it is extremely frustrating for me to see how easy it still is to lose any sense of inner stability when change and new things flood into one’s life. I know that I am fortunate in so much that I can see what is going on inside and am aware of my pattern but somehow this makes the whole situation even more exhausting as it doesn’t stop me engaging with the negativity, especially when I’m hungry, tired or worse, hungry and tired. Being aware doesn’t seem to be enough to stop the relentless progress of the self flagellation express.
What has happened of course is that I’m now pitching myself in the world that I live in but am not yet a part of. I mean literally everyone around me at the moment is either a pro rock climber, mountain guide, ski guru or professional yeti. I could retreat right now and submit to the nonsense that my head is spewing out on a daily basis but that is never going to happen. I am not a victim and I choose right now to use this as a tool for inspiration, motivation, and confirmation that I’m doing what I love. The lesson is startlingly clear: if anything in life makes you feel an extremely strong emotion, whatever it is, you should use it as an inner compass. If viewed in this way, any emotion can then be seen in a positive light and as the most powerful inner tool steering you towards what you uniquely need from the world around you. It works in normal every day life for pretty much anything. Fore example, jealousy in relationships means that there is something missing from the connection that needs to be worked on. In this case, my feeling just a little bit useless can be translated into the fact that I want to be better than I am at the things that I love. And the only way to do that is to get out amongst it more often. Right, where’s my skis…….
